Give Me Some Food

 

We started out our New Year’s horribly in the culinary sense. Felix was craving Chinese food and we had just been in Tahoe for a few days. Here is proof:

 

(This dog took a walk with my mom and me around Truckee for a bit, and then it decided that some yellow snow was more interesting than our conversation. We were talking about remodeling Mom’s kitchen which I guess isn’t very interesting to a dog.)

Anyway, Truckee is not exactly the place to go for Chinese food. San Francisco is. So I found a Chinese place in Noe Valley that had good Zagat and online ratings. So we went.

Once I got the hostess’ attention (though this isn’t really the kind of restaurant that differentiates) I mentioned that I had reservations and other people hungrily waiting looked at me like I had just walked into Burger King and said “Kristen, table for two, 7:30.” We were told 10 minutes and ended up waiting outside in the rain for ½ an hour. This was really starting to irk me, but then I convinced myself that Eric’s must be really good because it was packed and sometimes you just have to put up with other inconveniences if the food is reasonably priced and good. Plus, every five minutes some ex-frat boy passed us to go to the takeout door and nurse their hangovers with grease. They all looked liked they had tried to relive their college drinking days the night before.

Once we got in, I knew the whole night was going to be a mistake. All you have to do is look at your place setting. This is what you want to see:
 

This is what you loathe to see:
 

The fork. The death knell. It’s definitely Chinese food for white people.

When our soups came, I was surprised they were edible. I ordered the Sizzling Rice Soup:

 

And Felix ordered the Hot and Sour Soup:

They were fine. Just what you would expect with Chinese take-out. Yet, Goldilocks would have been disappointed: my soup was too bland, Felix’s was too salty and there was no soup that was just right.

But the worst was yet to come. Here are the two main dishes we ordered:

 
Eric’s Chow Mein

 

Garden and Ocean

Can you tell the difference? Neither could we. They looked the same. They smelled exactly the same. They tasted exactly the same- which was gross. Way too salty and like thick paste. It was as if somebody in the back had opened up a bottle of Oyster Sauce and poured it on. Felix and I each took about 3 bites and couldn’t eat anymore because it was so foul. Then we went into a state that could be labeled a culinary mission impossible. I turned to Felix and whispered in a panic-

“What are we going to do with all of this food!?”

“Let’s just ask for it to go. Then we’ll throw it away in the garbage can outside.”

“That’s right outside the door! They’ll see us throw it away!”

 “You can wait in the car, and I’ll do it so they don’t see it.”

 Then our waitress came by:

“Is everything ok?” she questioned as she looked at our full plates. I took on this challenge:

“Yes, it was great!! We’re just really full from the soup!! Can we get it to go?!”

“okay.”

Damn. I hate lying. And she could see right through me. Felix said she gave him a I-know-this-food-is-a-disgrace-to-our-culture-and-we’re-only-supposed-to-serve-white-people look.

Anyway…mission accomplished. Felix threw away the leftovers while I hid in the get-away car. I felt so wasteful. And like a dirty liar. And I wanted ice cream. Anything to get the aftertaste of soy sauce and treachery out of my mouth.

Eric's
1500 Church St. (at 27th st.)
San Francisco
415-282-0919